Coincidence?

So ever since all the recent events, it seems as though on an almost daily basis, someone brings up something baby related. Not in reference to Caleb, but asking if I'm ready for another, if i'll ever have more, will i try for a girl, etc. Riley has spontaneously spoke of wanting a sister, or wanting me to have another baby several times recently. Two nights ago, i was sitting on Shanes lap and both boys decided it was a group hug moment. Riley began rubbing my tummy and said "Mommy has a baby". I don't know why he did that, or why he thought that, but it made me feel faint. I had to break away from the group hug and get alone before i reacted.

When everything happened, my dad sent me a text expressing how sorry and sad he was for me, and that he wished he could take away all my hurt. Odd, since he has never had happy reactions to my being pregnant. Not once. So it was hard to find his message sincere or comforting. I knew he was reaching out as my father, but it made me almost angry. Had i announced a new pregnancy, i know that people would have rolled their eyes at us or spewed ridiculous comments. So pardon me if i find it odd when you inquire as to whether or not we'll be trying again.

Anyway. I have been feeling some better - at least better able to face the world and not living behind my sunglasses quite so much. Yesterday Shane asked what i would "like to do today" and i answered "run away." I don't know why i said that but what followed took me by surprise as much as it did him... "where do you want to run away too?" "I don't know. i want to run away from my thoughts, because I am tired of thinking them. But i can't do that so i guess, running would be pointless." After a long awkward silence, i left to do laundry. I couldn't believe i had said what i did so bluntly. Maybe i needed to? But with all that i've been feeling, and the way it has caused me to act, i am constantly worried that i'm depressed and will stay that way, and Shane will (or already is) tired of me and my crying.

My stiff upper lip has been hard to come by these days. But I am so tired of my own belly aching.