Dreadfully Sad

I feel so very broken inside and the weight of it is crushing me. Life certainly does not pause for one to grieve despite the fact that I feel like I am completely disconnected from everything. I really feel as though I cannot get out of my bed in the morning. But I do. I hug my boys and get them ready and off to school. I feed my baby and play with him. I wash, dry, fold and put away laundry. I drive to school twice in the afternoon to pick up both boys. I make dinner. I pick at my own, I clean up afterwards. I check on Tyler's homework. I talk on the phone, I go online to see what everyone is up to. I take the boys to baseball practice and to games. I cheer for them and kiss their tears away if they get hurt or lose a game. I talk to my husband, I ask him about his day. But all of these things seem to take place in a fog and I have trouble even remembering things I've just done. Amid all the hustle and bustle and daily routine, I feel like I am barely hanging on, waiting for a moment to myself to possibly fall apart. That moment doesn't come. In bed alone and quiet, I cry... but the sobs that seem ready to burst from the very depths of me suddenly cease and I choke back the last of any tears. Other times, inopportune times, tears begin falling very suddenly and quickly, blinding me while I prepare dinner or drive the car. After one of the boys or my husband does something endearing or funny, my laughter can almost immediately turn to sadness. Almost as if at the very moment I completely realize that something very important is missing. It is beyond any control I have.

My appetite is gone. Food has no flavor, feels like sawdust in my mouth.

Colors don't seem as bright anymore. isn't that odd?

I feel lost.

The tears that come unexpectedly, or cease when I beg them to fall leave me feeling out of order and confused.

I can't stop thinking of it. It's draining me. Draining life and hope and joy from me.

I feel so powerless and am terribly afraid of being depressed. My "few days of wallowing" rule does not seem to fit this one. So then how much time IS okay? Have I been sad for too long? Am I doomed to become my mother?

Why has this happened right now? Why at all but especially right now. Everything seemed so right and I was so completely content and in-step.

So very thankful for all that I have, and all the blessings in my life, but unable to put away the feelings that something is missing and heartbreakingly gone from me.

Incomplete.