My 14 Year Old Self

I found this picture of myself at about 14 years old. It's interesting. I look so young because, well, I am. But my eyes look bright and, without trying to sound corny, full of hope. Little could I have known that just one year later my whole safe, innocent, little world was going to begin to crumble all around me. How much all the changes I was about to go through would take some of that light out of my eyes, and how that it was going to take so many years to figure out some of the things that were about to become so confusing. If only i could tell her a few things...

Don’t be afraid to try new things. Failure is scary but worse is wondering if you COULD have accomplished something.

Don’t quit piano lessons.

Don’t steal that white cardigan from Mervyn’s just to see if you can do it. You’re gonna feel hecka dumb when you get caught.

Don’t run away from things. Stand up, stick it out, then move on. You’ll be proud of yourself for this one.

Don’t expect your first boyfriend to be “the one”.

Don’t be afraid to cut your hair. It’ll look good. I promise.

Don’t be so mad at God. He won’t be the one who lets you down.

You really are not fat. Don’t waste years trying to get thinner.

Don’t expect your second boyfriend to be “the one”.

Stay close to your family. Don’t let time or distance keep you apart. You’ll miss them when they are gone.

It’s okay to cry. Do it once and a while before you suddenly find that you can’t anymore.

You can’t fix her. You know who I mean.

Don’t expect your third boyfriend to be “the one”.

Even though your parents had a bad marriage, doesn’t mean a “good” marriage is perfect like the movies. It will be work, you will have to try – yes, it will be THAT HARD.

You’ll know “the one” when you meet him. He won’t be just a boyfriend. He’ll be your best friend.

Drive safely.

Let go of your hurts before you forget who caused them and blame the wrong person. This will be one of your greatest regrets. (Hint: You won’t think you’re hurting – but you are.)

Always pay your bills on time. Always.

Go to college. You’ll be so glad that you did.

Let your husband hold you. He wants to be there for you.

Get mad when your kids disobey you – but don’t give them so many no’s that it’s hard for them not to.

Go on vacation.

Save money for a rainy day.

Tell your kids everyday that you love them, you’re proud of them, and that you couldn’t do without them. They need to hear it. Everyday.

Thank your husband for working so hard. It will make him feel good.

Treat yourself to regular pedicures. It will be the best $25 you spend every 3 weeks.

Don’t be embarrassed of your laugh. It’s loud but infectious and most people love that about you.

Keep on being optimistic.

Learn to accept things that you can’t change – and you’ll find that you’d never dream of them being any different.

Slow down. Relax. Enjoy.

Riley Lost a Tooth!

Riley lost a tooth for the first time today... It's been loose forever. He has watched his older brother lose a bunch, and score $$ from the tooth fairy. But finally he had a loose tooth all his own and while tyler will wiggle and work his teeth out asap for the dough, Riley was content to leave it until it was ready. This morning it was twisted around sideways, bleeding, and upon inspection, hanging by a thread. Daddy promised he wouldn't pull it and told Riley to let him have a better look. Then he told Riley to just push it back towards his tongue and SNAP! Riley was so so so excited. He showed me this bloody little thing and i told him to wash it and put it in a zip lock bag. He asked daddy to help him wash it and i heard the water running, then heard a *gasp* and then a forlorn Riley say, "it went down the drain." He tried to buck up but dang. It was his first tooth fairy experience! I tried to tell him it would be okay, and reminded him that once Tyler couldn't find a tooth and the fairy took a note instead... Shane was so mad at himself. Tyler was watching the whole thing go down and finally blurted "Riley, the next tooth I lose, I'm giving to you!" Well Shane wasn't having it. He went and got whatever wrenches or pliers or whatever he needed and DISASSEMBLED THE SINK PIPES! And Bingo! There was the wayward tooth. So Shane declared that bloody or no, we are not ever washing off teeth again. And Riley excitedly put his prize in the safety of a zipper snack bag. Now tonight we'll get a visit from the tooth fairy. Riley's very first. Everyone is SO excited. (And my boys have the BEST daddy. ever.)

Our Santa Cruz Trip

So with all 3 boys visiting gramma and grampa for a few days, i commented to Shane that it would be a shame to sit around the house like we usually do. however we are super broke until payday & even going for a drive takes gas (gas is up to $4 here). But, Shane says we are going to Santa Cruz. We go back and forth about it a few times the night before, me telling him we just can't afford it, and shouldn't do it. Shane insists again we're going out of town. finally i tell myself, okay... we can always charge it. while i'm getting ready i notice a suitcase on the bed and Shane's clothes inside. when i ask about it, he says he thought he'd bring some stuff just in case we are too tired to drive back. so i pack my stuff too and off we go. On the way out of town, we have to get gas, and Shane wants to get a car wash. as he pulls in and we start thru the car wash he turns to me and says "this trip is especially for you, to make you feel better. i'm taking care of everything and i don't want you to worry about any of it." I never not worry about things we do especially when it involves money. and Shane never does anything like this. so even though i feel the urge to ask how we'll pay for this, (and this urge comes up several times on the trip), i never ask, and he never tells.
The drive over was great. We talked and laughed and enjoyed the drive. there wasn't much traffic so the trip was pretty smooth. Now, there are many reason why Santa Cruz is my favorite place. I love the beach, i love the ocean, i love the boardwalk, we always eat great food there, we walk everywhere, the people are hilarious... But the thing that makes it so great overall is everyone is so laid back. the pace is slower, there aren't people flipping you off or rushing here and there... there isn't a single freeway or highway going anywhere through town. In fact, the end of Highway 17 is a stop light at the beginning of town. this is always my favorite sight because it means the stoplight is just beyond the signs:



we drive down to the wharf first thing, and walk around in all the shops. there are BILLIONS of seagulls, and where there are lots of seagulls, there is a lot of poop:



After the wharf, we walked down to Ideal to have dinner. We had both been salivating at the thought of some killer fried calamari, and i hadn't been this excited to eat in weeks. Shane had some kind of pasta with lots of little sea creatures floating in the sauce. i had steak and we shared the calamari. it was soooooooooo yum! after dinner we walked back to the car and decided to see about finding a room. he wanted to take me to the Dream Inn. it's the nicest hotel in the heart of town and it's right on the beach. every room has a balcony with an amazing view of the beach and ocean, the wharf and boardwalk. Well, it was shut down. they are completely renovating it. so we checked out a bunch of other places. we finally decided to stay at the Beach Inn a few blocks from the boardwalk. Shane mostly loved the fact that they had a 2 story suite, where we almost stayed, but it was so late, we'd only be sleeping and then checking out so i convinced him a standard room would be fine. After we checked in and got all our luggage upstairs, we went to Marianne's for some ice cream. i always want to do this when we go to Santa Cruz... it's just one of those things you do. Marianne's is practically a landmark and they have way more than 31 flavors. But usually, Shane doesn't want to go there. And usually, we don't. But this night, i asked him if he thought they were open and he said "i'm think they are. we should go." and we did. shane had mint chip and i had mud pie ice cream. it was awesome.



the next morning, we got up and got ready to check out. Aren't we cute?



we headed downtown to Santa Cruz Roasting Company for some white mocha's and a bagel.


their coffee is sooooooo good. So good that shane couldn't get enough:



after coffee we walked around downtown and looked in all the shops. i found this really interesting sculpture and we tried to figure out what it was.



i finally found a little plaque that said it was "untitled". i would leave it untitled too.
We also went into this shoe store and they had a whole display of SIZE 14 SHOES! Crazy big:



We also saw another cool coffee shop. i would have tried them out if i didn't already have a mocha:


Lastly, we stopped into O'Neill and Shane got some new shades:


we went back to the wharf and back to Ideal for lunch. There is no need to eat at any other restaurant in santa cruz. this time we sat out on the deck so we could see the ocean and we watched all these little kids having a volleyball class on the beach. i had a prime rib sandwich, and shane had clam chowder in a bread bowl. we shared another calamari appetizer. mmmmmmmm.
Afterwards we walked to the boardwalk and played in the arcade. i got shane to play this skateboarding game.



i played ski ball (my fave) and got enough tickets to get Tyler and Riley some prizes. it was getting late and we decided to get on the road to home. we walked along the wharf one more time going back to our car. we stopped for a while to watch the waves.



then we kissed:



and went home.
It was a short trip but meant so much to me in so many ways. my husband was doing this to make me feel better and it did! not just because it was santa cruz, but because he did it all for me and made me feel so so important to him. i loved having that time together and walking everywhere arm in arm or hand in hand. we needed to do that. and i am so glad he insisted we do it. so it did help me to clear my head and get a much needed deep breath. i love that he knew exactly what i needed. he's the best husband ever, and he's all mine.

Is my head in need of shrinking?

So today, somewhat out of nowhere, Shane tells me that through the department, he and his family have access to all sorts of resources, including individual counseling. He then says he is not trying to bum me out, but reminding me just in case i need to talk to someone. I think i sat blinking at him for several moments. Here is the thing - crazy people don't think they are crazy. So maybe depressed people don't know they are depressed? I am not speaking of clinically diagnosed depression - majority of those people consider themselves depressed enough that they go to their dr, and say "i'm depressed" and the story unfolds from there. no, i mean that everyone gets the blues sometimes (rainy days and mondays...) and maybe when it progresses, they don't realize the progression. In such a case an outsider might be the only one to recognize this. So, is Shane my outsider and am i not seeing my progression from having a hard time to being stuck in a bad time? What is the allotted amount of time to grieve over a loss? i for one believe that every human being has emotion, both positive and negative, and that emotion should not be squashed, buried or ignored. And when something is troubling you, i think you should take some time to really be troubled. Think of it, dissect it, really feel it to your core, accept and acknowledge it. That way you can go thru all the steps of dealing with the troubling thing so that you can move beyond it. However, when a person becomes stuck in that cycle, this is where i believe a problem arises. I don't mean that everything is "get overable". You don't forget and put away the loss of a loved one, or a great trial in your own life. And if you tried to, i doubt you could learn much or grow much from having experienced it. but you can't get stuck sitting on the pity pot because that is no definition of learning or growing from it either.
So where am i? i'm a little lost. it's hard to organize everything i feel, as it has gotten some better, yet some days that follow seem the hardest i'll ever go through. do i need to "talk" to someone? and how much do i validate the feelings i want to get past by talking about them? speaking them out loud makes them real, makes them mine, and i don't want that for some. i don't pretend to be so well adjusted that i don't ever need outside help. Shane and i went to marriage counseling a number of times, over a 2 year period and i do believe it taught us the tools that we did not have to make our marriage a successful one. ive also had really crappy experiences with counseling...
regardless of all of it, the thing i most recognize about our little exchange this morning, is that my husband loves me. he loves me so much that he knows this is beyond him to relieve. he loves me so much that he brings to my attention a resource i may have forgotten or overlooked or discounted as unnecessary. he loves me enough to say "you shouldn't have to hurt. i wish i could hurt for you. blame me. be angry at me. let me take it." and i love him so much, that i might have to go see a counselor at some point, just to make sure i'm okay, not stuck on the pity pot, and robbing him of the whole wife he deserves.
we'll see.

Somehow ive connected them

okay so... i found this neat "import your blog" type thing and did that and now there are two of everything because for a while i was keep the entries posted to both... so i'm just testing here to see how it all works. testing testing 1... 2... 3...

What is the purpose of Blogging then?

I can't be sure. People blog about specific topics, submit their works to search engines, generate revenue from ads on their sites, etc. I thought it was like, keeping a journal? So, sorry folks (not that any search engines will pick this up!) all i'm gonna be writing about is me... and really sucky is this, i write most when i'm going through something difficult. So this is not something fun to read FOR SURE! I WOULDN'T EVEN READ IT! Also please note, i use caps alot to EMPHASIZE STUFF and i rarely capitalize "i" nor do i use all proper punctuation at all times. seriously, it's uncomfy to reach a pinky for that shift key all the time.

Coincidence?

So ever since all the recent events, it seems as though on an almost daily basis, someone brings up something baby related. Not in reference to Caleb, but asking if I'm ready for another, if i'll ever have more, will i try for a girl, etc. Riley has spontaneously spoke of wanting a sister, or wanting me to have another baby several times recently. Two nights ago, i was sitting on Shanes lap and both boys decided it was a group hug moment. Riley began rubbing my tummy and said "Mommy has a baby". I don't know why he did that, or why he thought that, but it made me feel faint. I had to break away from the group hug and get alone before i reacted.

When everything happened, my dad sent me a text expressing how sorry and sad he was for me, and that he wished he could take away all my hurt. Odd, since he has never had happy reactions to my being pregnant. Not once. So it was hard to find his message sincere or comforting. I knew he was reaching out as my father, but it made me almost angry. Had i announced a new pregnancy, i know that people would have rolled their eyes at us or spewed ridiculous comments. So pardon me if i find it odd when you inquire as to whether or not we'll be trying again.

Anyway. I have been feeling some better - at least better able to face the world and not living behind my sunglasses quite so much. Yesterday Shane asked what i would "like to do today" and i answered "run away." I don't know why i said that but what followed took me by surprise as much as it did him... "where do you want to run away too?" "I don't know. i want to run away from my thoughts, because I am tired of thinking them. But i can't do that so i guess, running would be pointless." After a long awkward silence, i left to do laundry. I couldn't believe i had said what i did so bluntly. Maybe i needed to? But with all that i've been feeling, and the way it has caused me to act, i am constantly worried that i'm depressed and will stay that way, and Shane will (or already is) tired of me and my crying.

My stiff upper lip has been hard to come by these days. But I am so tired of my own belly aching.

Babies

Caleb is now 9 months old and growing so much. he's developing such a personality and he never ceases to make me stop - wait - calm down - enjoy. he has taught me patience and grace. not to say it as though he is such a demanding child - but ive learned to enjoy this journey with him, instead of missing it as life coasted by with the older boys. He is so precious to me in each and every way.

Tyler stuck up for Sherry at the game last night, because another of the players spit sunflower seeds on her back. he was so distraught by the whole ordeal. i hope he is always that way. he has a tender heart and i hope we protect him from becoming hardened. dropping him off to school, and seeing him interact with the other boys, it's like everything else shuts off and i can only see him. he smiles genuinely, and he laughs and jokes with them all. he isn't insecure. he isnt trying too hard. he's just tyler and they are just his friends. can't it stay that way? it's my greatest hope for him.

i picked Riley up from school and could barely get out to the car because he is so busy saying goodbye to all of his little friends. everyone loves riley for sure. the teacher says he is like the one kid that finishes his work first and then instead of using his "choice" time to play games or color, he helps all the other kids with their work. This from the child i was afraid wouldn't complete kindergarten. she says he's the top of their little class. way to go little Ri. Keep proving me wrong.

i keep thinking of my recent test. the way i felt when i got the result. the way that before all the fear came flooding over me, i had that one little moment where my heart skipped a beat. like i had just won the greatest of all jackpots. like everything wrong with the world became right - just for one quick beat. that is what is breaking me down. it's what i can't forget. what i can't let go. it follows me around. lingering there in my mind. it's never a sub-conscious thought. if only.

i am so grateful for all the blessings in my life. i love my babies. and i miss the ones that aren't here.

Dreadfully Sad

I feel so very broken inside and the weight of it is crushing me. Life certainly does not pause for one to grieve despite the fact that I feel like I am completely disconnected from everything. I really feel as though I cannot get out of my bed in the morning. But I do. I hug my boys and get them ready and off to school. I feed my baby and play with him. I wash, dry, fold and put away laundry. I drive to school twice in the afternoon to pick up both boys. I make dinner. I pick at my own, I clean up afterwards. I check on Tyler's homework. I talk on the phone, I go online to see what everyone is up to. I take the boys to baseball practice and to games. I cheer for them and kiss their tears away if they get hurt or lose a game. I talk to my husband, I ask him about his day. But all of these things seem to take place in a fog and I have trouble even remembering things I've just done. Amid all the hustle and bustle and daily routine, I feel like I am barely hanging on, waiting for a moment to myself to possibly fall apart. That moment doesn't come. In bed alone and quiet, I cry... but the sobs that seem ready to burst from the very depths of me suddenly cease and I choke back the last of any tears. Other times, inopportune times, tears begin falling very suddenly and quickly, blinding me while I prepare dinner or drive the car. After one of the boys or my husband does something endearing or funny, my laughter can almost immediately turn to sadness. Almost as if at the very moment I completely realize that something very important is missing. It is beyond any control I have.

My appetite is gone. Food has no flavor, feels like sawdust in my mouth.

Colors don't seem as bright anymore. isn't that odd?

I feel lost.

The tears that come unexpectedly, or cease when I beg them to fall leave me feeling out of order and confused.

I can't stop thinking of it. It's draining me. Draining life and hope and joy from me.

I feel so powerless and am terribly afraid of being depressed. My "few days of wallowing" rule does not seem to fit this one. So then how much time IS okay? Have I been sad for too long? Am I doomed to become my mother?

Why has this happened right now? Why at all but especially right now. Everything seemed so right and I was so completely content and in-step.

So very thankful for all that I have, and all the blessings in my life, but unable to put away the feelings that something is missing and heartbreakingly gone from me.

Incomplete.